i ain't fine.

i feel so weak & down.

days just doesn't seem fine for me.
realised i broke down more than 3 times last week,
it doesn't seem like me.
or maybe I'm the type who should not bottled things up?
but if i don't,
who can i share my troubles with?
people out there are just stress as well.
i can't possibly be so evil to share my burden with them.
they're already load up with many many already.

more than 3 times...
it ain't fine at all!

choices & choices.
my father...
he changed his attitude towards my choice already,
after talking to 3 teachers?
oh well,
maybe it's a pleasant one?
i seriously don't know what's in his mind.

it's so hard to make a choice.
my results, positions suck.
what can i chose man?

it dropped so much.
I've disappointed my father.
i shouldn't be cold towards him too.
I'm the one who let him down.
he wants me to enter triple science,
but i doesn't have the ability to do so.

i feel so down.
my interest in science.
my interest in history.

alright,
i can do well in science if I'm interested.
but the problem is i CAN'T MAKE IT.
what other choice can i make?
that's Pure Geography.
i feel safer & more relax in there.
Triple Science's full of those smarties,
i can't stand it.
the atmosphere's so pressurise.
Double Science, every one's fighting for it!
i won't want to fight that little chance with them,
when I'm not even sure if i can DO BETTER than them!
Pure Geography, even though I'm not good at it,
i guess I'll try my best & put in all my effort.

my marks for science's higher than geography!
but every one's so wanna enter pure science classes.
it's so pathetic seeing them like that.
because i don't have what it needs!
my position's so behind.

i HATE history.
but NOW,
i love it.
not knowing the reason...
maybe it's because the school examined us on that subject,
when i totally enjoying reading it.
i realised it after the history exam or whatsoever.

I'm even sure which one I'm more interested in.
Sciences or Humanities?
Both, i guessed.
I'm just afraid that i might lose interest for Humanities one day.
it's just complicated to decide one.
this school's combination kinda sucks.
other schools can learn more!
:x
maybe we don't have that kind of standard to take it?
oh well, i dislike this school because of the academic.
BUT, i love this school as this is a Catholic - sort of mission school.
i got to know more about God,
because there's people who're Catholics.
okay, doesn't mean all Catholics are faithful to God or know a lot about him.
but there's people in this school taught me some of his teachings.
participate in some of the activities & it somehow bring me closer to God,
even though it's not really that much.
the Way, the Truth & the Light!
woo!~
One Way!
LOL.
i feel so HIGH.

okay, I'll stop it.
i cried.
over studies, over father's thinking- over freedom, over decisions.
thought of ending this Life.
thought of using a knife to have a deep cut on somehow near my wrist.
thought of giving up studies.
thought of giving up the Faith for God.
thought of giving EVERYTHING.
but...
i fall a sleep.
& i woke up,
finding that my thoughts are extremely stupid,
i scolded myself 'dumb thoughts' to myself.
it's EMOTIONS who took over me.
or whatsoever?
that was when?
Friday.
yea,
thank God for making me falling a sleep.
haha.

Saturday,
BORING day.
nothing much to post about.
except that my father doesn't allow me to go St Ann's Church for the dinner.
then no mood to eat,
gave sensible reasons why i didn't eat much,
like i ate a few hours ago.

i'm not someone who's 小气 over such a small matter like that,
it's just my father shouldn't be controlling me for which religious place i'm going.
i'm 14, okay. GONNA be SOON.

& i can't stand it when they asked where i'm going, who i will be going out with.
it's not just ONCE, it's TWICE or more.
WHAT's more,
he sometimes deny of me informing him that i'm going out!
AHH!
forget it.
i just treat it as if he forgot,
sometimes ignorance's also a blessing. :x i guessed?

from now onwards,
if i'm going to familiar places,
i'll just inform him & that's it.
never gonna ask him if he allows.
because i'm not going to ask him for money,
and SO it should be alright.
i goes out & didn't touch his single cents,
i uses concession pass,
and so what?
transport fees,
ain't wrong that he's paying for it.

my Life.
it's so so so COMPLICATED man.
I'm unsure of what i want.
i only know...
when i feel down,
i longed for one's shoulder to lie on.
it's like...
you're resting.
putting burdens away,
sharing the troubles,
someone who has a listening ear,
guiding me too.
that's what i think i need when I'm down.
never had anyone like that.
i wish for a guardian angel.
someone who cares for me,
understands me,
know my needs.
that would be God?
no one would understand me.
they claimed,
but i do change.
would there be one who will forever be with me?
i longed for that.
but i'm too young to think of that right?
dumb me.
how i wish i could see God,
but i'm not worth of seeing him.
what did i do to be worth?
simply, NOTHING.
for now,
i should excel for my studies,
but the thing is...
i can't bring my certificate, degrees & my awards up to Heaven.
oh...wait...
but can i even enter the gates of Heaven?
even though i'm unsure,
i should be faithful to God,
but how?
Amelia will tell me more about the Faith for God some other day when i meet her up.
hehe.

people do change,
like who won't.
some don't even think they changed,
the ones who thinks they're always right?
i don't even understand myself,
so i shouldn't expect people to understand me.
i should always be with that kind of thinking.
my attitude sucks at times.
towards how i think about my life.
i feel emo out of a sudden.

i feel so confused now.
maybe i wrote stuff that are kinda contradicting.

i feel so lonely.
but with Music,
i would just sing it.
be it to God or myself.
i love both the quietness & the noise.
greatly depends on my mood.

this few days just don't seem right to me.
JUST DOESN'T.
i'm gonna repeat it AGAIN&AGAIN.

BORED.
i wanna get out.
LAZY.
don't feel like walking out.
HIGH.
can't stop laughing.
EMO.
can't resist crying.
i like that kind of feeling, it seems so nice...
crying out everything that's troubling u.
FREE.
i wanna sing like no one cares.
but where can i do that?

i'm gonna take up Pure Geography + Elective History.
Maybe gonna study Pure Biology outside so that i can register as a Private Candidate during O levels.

i shouldn't slack anymore.
i'm not going to let my parents down again.
i'm gonna copy notes & learn how to.
i must wake myself up during those BORING lessons.
hope it's not gonna be.
i'm not gonna commit those mistakes again.

Relationship's complicated.
Love's complicated.
Life's complicated.

only God's LOVE isn't.

lalala.